Manual Mode

I gotta go out now and I'm worried I'll wobble. I seen this vid the other day by Karmzee. He knows exactly what I'm on about. Except he wobbles round girls his own age. He calls them baddies. That's what often happens when I see kids in public. Why does Karmzee wobble? I'd say it's his fear of embarrassment. That is why he becomes self conscious. That's what it is with me. Especially as an autistic person. I've often used gestures or words at the wrong time and folks have misinterpreted and either laughed or got angry. Either way it frightens me. So maybe Karmzee is feeling like if he don't look ice cool the girls will laugh at and reject him. So he is feeling the same emotions as me. When I first heard about violence against child abusers it terrified me because I'd already been called gay and a thief a million times when I wasn't. I had already been misunderstood so many times I thought whoa. What if they think that of me and murder me? Ever since then I have been terrified of it. It was always a subject of terror for me. So when I spoke to the girls about it and it seemed lighthearted it was such a relief not to be scared. I didn't realize it was a trap to lure me into the thing I feared most. So it certainly didn't help my original fear. It just made it worse and is still with me today. Even right now as I write this and am thinking of going to the shop to get food. What happens is I'm walking along all innocent. Not hurting anyone. No bad intentions. Then kids appear. The fear just strikes me. I suddenly turn very self aware. What some of Karmzee's commenters call Manual Mode. I don't really have the fear around girls my age. I guess because no one has threatened me about them. But the threats always haunt me about the kids. So if I see a kid or pic of one or an adult who looks like one and I know it'd be a disaster to act odd around them it puts me into manual mode and I just feel all self conscious and awkward and have to try not to wobble. It's nothing to do with the girl herself. It's all about me suddenly turning self conscious and not being able to walk normally without thinking about what I'm doing. Which means it's likely I will miss a step or take my hands out of my pockets or suddenly start looking around at my environment. Aware of it all of a sudden where before I was just in a daydream. That's all it is so if you see me wobble just know it's a sudden moment of self consciousness brought about by the fear of looking like a pervert and being wrongfully murdered because of it. Nothing bad